Effective Fighting &
Defensive Techniques

Got a beef with one of your kitty compadres? Are you a six-pound weakling and tired of being picked on? Not getting proper respect from punky teenage cats in the neighborhood who think they know everything? Is some macho male tomcatting around with your female, or is some Jezebel flirting with your mancat? Or are you simply a rabble-rouser who likes to mix it up from time to time? Whatever the case may be, we cats sometimes find ourselves in situations where diplomacy fails and we are forced to take up arms (or, in our case, paws) against a fellow feline. When this happens, you must be prepared with an arsenal of good fighting techniques and defensive maneuvers, and you can’t be bashful about using them at a moment’s notice. This may not come easy for you mellow kitties, but the alternative is shameful, humiliating defeat. And let’s face it… there are times when nothing satisfies like a good butt-kicking. It’s the American way.

Before you raise a paw in anger (or mock anger if you’re just play fighting), you must first assume the proper pose and attitude of a fighter, and this starts with looking nasty and mean. Unless you’re employing some of the sneak attack-type tactics you’ll learn later in this chapter, you want to let your adversary know that you won’t stand no mess. So the first thing to do to is puff out your fur (not forgetting your tail), which will make you look bigger and more formidable. Then take a few purposeful steps toward your enemy, and while doing so, lay your ears back, squint your eyes like Clint Eastwood, open your mouth slightly, and emit an unearthly moan. This is the feline equivalent of when the tough guy walks into the saloon in western movies and everybody falls silent and moves out of the way. When you reach your antagonist, give them a nice loud, juicy hiss, as if to say, “Your—beep—is mine” (Edited for kittens).