How to Punish Your Human
When They Leave You Home Alone

Even though many humans hate to leave their cat (or cats) alone for more than five minutes, there are times when they go on trips for days on end. Some of these trips are known as vacations, where humans go somewhere nice and goof off. This is all fine and dandy for them, but what about us poor, neglected kitties who are left at home alone (the pet sitter doesn’t count). This is unacceptable human behavior and must not go unpunished.

Now before you lower the gavel and send your human to the gallows or the guillotine, you must first determine if they did, in fact, go on a vacation. You don’t necessarily want to initiate corporal punishment every time your human leaves the house (although you certainly can if you want to). Some humans are pretty sneaky, so it may be a little difficult to figure out what they’re up to when they go out the front door. Still, most humans do something to give themselves away when they are preparing for a long trip. All you have to do is look for changes in their normal daily patterns, or the introduction of new objects.

In our house, it’s the dreaded black bags. A day or two before Steve and his female go on a trip, these bags, also known as suitcases, appear on the floor of the bedroom. If just one of the smaller bags is brought out, that usually means it’s only Steve who’s leaving. If just one small and one medium-size bag are brought out, that usually means it’s only the female who’s leaving. But if all the bags are brought out, including the big square-shaped one, that means they’re both going.

When I’ve determined for certain that Steve and the female are going on a trip, I begin the punishing process immediately by making them feel guilty. That is, I poke around the suitcases, all the while looking up at them with my pleading kitty eyes as if to say, “You’re not really leaving me, are you?” I always throw in a few plaintive meows just to make sure they get the message and feel super guilty. And, for good measure if one of the suitcases is left open, I’ll crawl in and get kitty hair all over their neatly-packed clothing. Now that Bo Diddley and Piglet have joined our household, we can triple team Steve and his female and compound the guilt. You see, fellow forsaken kitty, guilt is a very important aspect of teaching your human a lesson for leaving you. The point is, when they’re lying on some sunny beach somewhere or prowling the streets of Par-ee, you want them to think about you at home and experience crushing, vacation-ruining guilt.